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The Weather Diaries - 2. The Diary

September 26, 2018

 

So it rained that day
The day I gave it all away
And I never thought it would
When the morning looked so good

 

Tickets were booked for California, I explained to my mother over the phone. I was calm.

"But you two looked so good together," my mother sighed over the phone. "You agreed on so many things."

I wasn't sure where to pick up from there. What made a difference, on the larger scale of things if we looked good with each other? Were we good for each other?

Ultimately the answer was no. I had come back from Spain and noticed a change in D. He had started to look in the mirror to a worrying degree, was working out both morning and night. He bought two pairs of new boots and a slew of new shirts. He cut his hair short. When we argued, he had taken to pantomiming me and repeating what I’d said in a high-pitched voice. All of a sudden he was saying words like “Hypergamy” and “loser.” I had no idea who this person was. 

 

 

This had come after nearly two years of maddeningly secretive behavior. Things that had to be brought to light. When I was dumped by a friend because he'd covered up their fling, I forgave him. I also forgave the years of sporadic and clandestine emailing he did with his emotionally dependent ex. I’d spent so much time looking over my shoulder, feeling sick to my stomach, and even lowering myself to snooping through his phone, email. I wasn’t proud of any of it, and I  continued to punch down the bad feeling I kept getting when I walked into a room and watched D slam his laptop shut or hide his phone screen.

 

And now finally the series of lies, mishaps and revelations that had stemmed from one out-of-the blue message, allegedly at one in the morning. Something inside me had experienced a clean break. The chapter of my life with D in it, now snapped shut, a story that had come abruptly, but not unexpectedly to its end.

 

It seems you never know
Which direction life will blow
You never know what someone's thinking
Until they're just about to go

 


I shrugged, even though my mother couldn't see me on the other end. "Sometimes that's not everything."

"Well," she said, taking a deep breath. "You're always welcome to move back in. Things are different now. You're older, it won't be the same "

My stomach lurched, knowing the truth would hurt her, but also trying to stay honest. I wanted to tell the truth. Instead I took the coward's way out and told my father instead: it wouldn't be a good idea. The result was that he’d stopped having anything to say to me.

 

But that chapter, too, had snapped shut. I was on my own now, and the only judge and jury I had was myself.

 


And it rained today
Conspiracy or one more anomaly?
When I was younger it was simple
We didn't need to question everything
It seems you never know
Which direction life will blow
You never know what someone's thinking
Until they're just about to go